Thursday, 25 August 2016

The Semarang Conference

I'm not actually sure how I got here. I mean, Semarang isn't quite a city that I imagine I'd love to explore, nor that I have any friends I'd like to hang out with in this city.. but maybe it was my somewhat excessive ideas. Yep, those ideas that popped out when I was sorting out topics for my thesis.. then got kind of too bad to throw away without being presented and be given feedback... so I decided to just present it in this conference. Then also I might miss the 'thrill' of doing a presentation in a conference. Well. It seems that I shouldn't expect too much about being thrilled by doing a presentation because I'm just not, but.... day 1 of the conference has passed, and it feels good!

the poster I presented
I presented this simple research that I intended to kind of give a glimpse of an aspect of psychiatric practice in Bali that might not be commonly found in other places. It got me thinking quite a lot that maybe "cultural psychiatry" is not enough; it should be "CROSS-cultural psychiatry" if we were to really try to meet the demand of care nowadays. It also made me realize that somehow the mental health care just wouldn't work without an interdisciplinary approach that includes policy maker, educational system, proper funding, transportation, and maybe many other things; an yes, this is quite an irony when we take a look at how fragmented science is nowadays (as also mentioned in a lecture today by the professor).
Talking about being fragmented, by the way, also got me thinking about those separation thingy that kind of happens in Indonesia where people... ah never mind. I just don't enjoy it when my FB news feed are filled with posts with blaming tone, but.. I can always deactivate anytime it feels too much, so.. whatever :p
Yang jelas pak gubernurnya tadi ganteng bok.. tinggi kurus semacam om AE versi ngebass dengan bentukan yang less cynical. Uhwaw.

meeting up with some friends
I also got to meet some friends from high-school or my previous university who are currently also studying psychiatry and I also happen to know more psychiatrist from other places now.. so I feel more 'engaged' and less anxious. It's just nice to be able to exchange ideas and excitement in the field (instead of the somewhat hopeless 'yang penting lewat' feeling), to learn about other things that aren't too clinical, and to somehow find out that my interest in the preventive and educational aspects of psychiatry aren't actually bullshits. Haha. At least in my case, sometimes I find it hard to believe that those concerns aren't bullshit because the setting that I tend to see more every day is clinical setting which is highly "curative-minded"; not preventive-minded, educational-minded, nor rehabilitative-minded. It's nice to be reminded that psychiatry is a very large and diverse branch of science, and that every individual has his/her own place within the field; and that if you're not doing what everyone's doing, it's okay. I feel supported, accommodated, and more motivated in sticking what I believe I can do best. It's awesome :D

So anyway. That's day one. There will still be two more days, and I'm really looking forward to learn some more! Dan of kors, ga rugi guweh kemaren catok, potonya jadi.. mayaaan <3 

Wednesday, 10 August 2016

The transient nature of things

Sometimes the tough part of dealing with things you like is when you know that they won’t last.

I’m currently on my fourth year of education, and this means that I’m like 18ish percent away from finish. As I still haven’t really decided what I’m going to do after finishing this thing… I don’t know. To some extent, it makes me feel somewhat insecure. It also makes me reflect quite more than usual about how the process has been, what kind of professional I have become, what I have encountered along the way, how ‘usable’ I would be by that time I graduate, what kind of contribution I could possibly make to the community in general and to my field specifically and how I would contribute… and such philosophical things that I usually prefer not to think about because thinking about such things somehow makes me feel like a grown up :p Well okay, I know I’m a grown up, but.. I even had one grey hair some weeks ago! I can’t believe it! But anyway. I think more about those things. When I’m kind of in thinking phase, I tend to spend less time with other human beings. When I spend less time with other human beings, there’s a bigger chance about kejombloan guweh being extended to indefinite amount of time, so.. it can be quite a dilemma. Not that much of a dilemma, though. Maybe a little.

Or.. a little more than a little. Whatever.

The point is, at least in my case, one thinking leads to another, and it can be scary.
I imagine that ending something that I’m used to kind of live for every day, at the time when it really comes.. that would feel really hollow. It happened when I left the choir world due to the end of my study in MedSchool *eh* and.. it took quite a long while to… grieve over what-turned-out-to-be-transient nature of… the everything I used to have. And it was probably also at that time when I kind of questioned whether I really did have things, because when the time has come for me to lose them.. then I’ll just lose them. There isn’t much that I can do to stop that.
Of course I survived after the lost, but somehow I also realized that.. it’s irreplaceable. But still I have to let it go, so again, I mourn, and I let it go. And.. well. At this point, sometimes I just wonder whether I would mourn about the end of this education as much as I mourned when I ended my previous one. Maybe yes, maybe not; maybe both, maybe neither. I don’t know. Though yes, I believe I should be just okay. Letting go of things although the things are good are just a part of growing up, so.. it should be okay.

Despite those things that I had to let go, I do hold on to some precious ones that I continue to ‘carry’ with me until today, and actually I kind of plan to carry it until my last breath. I take pride in my ‘ability’ to carry those, and I wake up each day feeling grateful for having them in my life. I made friendships that lasts for years, I have built up a set of the so called personal/professional ‘style’ that has somehow thrived through many types of ‘weather’, I have goals and somewhat-well-defined ‘missions’ that I would like to accomplish in life, and.. I’m happy. Well. Generally happy.

Still, I kind of wonder.
Spending five years in a phase of life isn’t really a short time, so during that not-that-short time.. have I really.. become a better version of myself? Have I really done anything? Have my presence made any impact? Is there a thing that I could really carry with me in the long run? Will I be able to tell people with pride and joy when somehow I happen to tell a story about this phase of life? Have I been playing around too much and being too distracted with my own thoughts and deeds? Have I stupidly let go of things I shouldn’t have let go and holding on to some nonsense instead? Have I had enough time to celebrate and appreciate life the way it should be celebrated and appreciated? Have I learnt enough?

I don’t know.
Life is just too short, and I don’t really feel like looking back and gasp, “what a waste of time!”
I certainly hope not.

N.B: Tadi tu perasaan niatnta bukan nulis kaya gini.. kok jadi kaya gini yak :|

Sunday, 26 June 2016

Saya kehabisan kata

Saya kehabisan kata karena kamu jauh di sana. Melanglang buana di sepanjang dasar samudra, mengamati apa saja yang ada di atasnya. Sejak siang hingga malam, selalu ada warna, selalu ada yang membuatmu tertambat lebih erat di antara mereka; dan entah kenapa saya justru suka. Saat kamu mengembara, saat jejakmu bebas tersebar di mana-mana. Yang mengembalikanmu adalah udara, saat kamu perlu permukaan dan melihat sesuatu yang berbeda. Antara saya, dan yang lainnya.

Saya kehabisan kata karena kamu tak suka cahaya. Dalam terang, terbentuk banyak kata, dan buatmu itu sia-sia. Kamu seperti sudah tahu hatimu ada di mana, dan tak perlu mata untuk tahu. Tak perlu ada tanya untuk sampai di situ, dan tak pernah ada janji untuk tidak ada sesuatu yang baru. Yang mengangkatmu ke sini adalah penelusuran kisi, saat jauh adalah tak lebih dari dua puluh senti dan kamu sadar sepenuhnya bahwa saya ada. Hanya saya, dan bukan yang lainnya.

Saya kehabisan kata karena saya punya banyak agenda. Selesai S3 di usia tiga puluh lima, melakukan arpeggio bertempo allegretto dengan biola, atau bahkan sekedar melicinkan atasan favorit saya dengan setrika. Menjadi lumpuh dan jatuh sama sekali bukan pilihan, apalagi bagian dari rencana. Sekali itu terjadi, cukup sulit bagi saya untuk mempertahankan jangkar agar bisa yakin lagi. Tentang diri, tentang investasi, atau tentang saat ini; setidaknya itu yang saya tahu. Lalu kamu datang dan mengoreksi, lalu pergi. Yang membuatmu melihat ke belakang hanyalah pilihan, saat kamu mengambilnya sekali, mungkin dua atau bahkan tiga kali, lalu tidak lagi. Mungkin karena saya, mungkin karena yang lainnya.
Saya kehabisan kata karena saya bingung merangkainya. Mungkin karena segala kekampretan dunia ternyata menginduksi pembentukan jejaring neurofibril yang perlahan-lahan membuat saya demensia. Bisa juga saya terlanjur berprasangka bahwa sehebat apapun, kamu adalah manusia yang tak luput dari salah, dosa, dan serangan virus tagar Instagram yang membuat saya sangat merindukan kalimat lengkap berpola SPOK. Latihan vokal yang orgasmik pun saya rindukan, apalagi sekedar kamu; sudah jelas kamu bukan pengecualian. Yang menjaga jarakmu adalah masa lalu, saat konfabulasi menjadi pencacah paling efektif untuk memori yang enggan kamu bagi. Pada saya, tapi mungkin tidak untuk yang lainnya.

Saya kehabisan kata karena kita beda bahasa. Makna bagi saya dan bagi kamu bisa jadi sangat berbeda dan saya hilang arah, tidak tahu harus mulai dari mana. Saya tidak punya petunjuk untuk apa yang benar, saya sering salah, dan kebisuan pun hanya mau garuk-garuk kepala. Ini melelahkan dan membuat frustasi, tapi masih saya merasa akan ada akhir untuk hari ini, minggu ini, bulan ini, tahun ini.. atau mungkin tahapan ini. Entah kapan, entah di mana. Yang membebaskanmu dari tanya adalah rasionalisasi, saat saya berusaha membohongi diri sendiri tiap kamu memberikan dispensasi. Tidak untuk saya, tapi untuk yang lainnya.

Saya kehabisan kata karena kita sudah bicara dalam waktu lama. Tanpa sadar, matahari sudah mengundurkan diri, dan kini hujan turun lagi. Pakai deras, pakai lama, pakai banjir, dan tentu saja pakai macet. Bikin capek, becek, lecek, jelek, bau ketek, keluar belek, dan tentu saja semakin lengkap saat nggak ada ojek. Yang mencegahmu dari hilang terhanyutkan adalah mimpi, saat saya bisa percaya bahwa setiap keteguhan akan ada balasannya. Dan balasan itu hanya untuk saya, bukan untuk yang lainnya.  

Gitu aja.
Udah, kamu pergi dulu urusin si frondosa sana, saya mau bikin ppt buat presentasi besok lusa. Tsk

Tuesday, 17 May 2016

I think I lost myself somewhere along the way..

…. And the process of re-finding it has been challenging and occasionally exhausting, yet also exciting. While I thought that moving to this beautiful island almost four years ago was only a matter of studying, it’s not actually the case. Being in this new environment, I’ve been faced with many differences from –if not opposites of- some values I used to believe: equity, simplicity, and independence. Of course it might be just me getting used to the real ‘workplace’ where I really get involved with both its fun and (many of) its shits; as I never really worked in a somewhat-complicated environment… but… well. I tend to believe that I deserve a workplace that at least not interfere with those personal values I believe as I thought a workplace should be professional (i.e. it doesn’t meddle with personal values as long as it doesn’t bother coworkers)… but when somehow the work is about people work… it might not be that easy to separate between professional and personal. Some personal values would inevitably ‘leak’ into the professional life, and when it encounters some non-concordant personal values of one’s coworkers, that’s when shits happen XD
I needed to learn other ways to somehow teach people to survive other than standing up for themselves, especially when the cases involve women; which just didn’t make sense at first, but.. somehow I learnt that human beings do have multiple ways to survive, and each different way would be applicable to different contexts. I also learnt that giving trust to a wider social circle to take care of a person might not be that exhausting, and that it could be a significant source of support instead. I learnt to value collectivism better instead of somehow condemning it as a source of dependence and indecisiveness. I also learnt that while abundance might make someone look like a ‘hoarder’, some abundance just happens and as long as it doesn’t hurt, then let it be. Sometimes people also don’t reason, they just do things as the ‘eldest’ and the ‘respected’ say, and.. at times it doesn’t hurt either.
But then, despite the effort to understand and tolerate things, I still don’t feel like I fit in.

Maybe it’s because I’m being a bit too stubborn about holding on to my personal values. Maybe because I’m congenitally stubborn, but maybe also because I see evidences that it works better and I need more evidence to somehow let it go for some contexts.

Maybe because I seemed to forget that “values” are not things that just pop up; they take time to grow and develop; and to change values–both mine and theirs- into a common understanding, that might take a life-long effort… which sadly, might not be that necessary anyway. So yes, I think I have been kind of delusional for some time. Maybe it’s because something significant happened and changed things on my side, and somehow I just mistook and over-generalized it as an empowerment that I, myself, could change things---when that’s not actually the case. I might have been as well so consumed by these things that I thought I could change, when I should’ve make a difference in other departments…. And it’s been frustrating as this meaningless effort has somewhat diverted me from being who I really am. Fortunately, though, I think I’ve come to the realization that… well.

In short, I need to go back to being myself and refocus, because that’s what I live best with. Not just for myself, but also for my surrounding.

Monday, 9 May 2016

Dealing with the undergraduate students

If I were to choose one best word to describe how it feels to deal with undergraduate students, that word would definitely be: FUN. Well, not always, but mostly yes, fun is the word. Undergraduate students usually have had at least the basic knowledge for certain field (in my case, this thing), which means they’re kind of equipped to do some discussion. At the same time however, they’re probably not that well-aware of the need to balance between being as evidence-based-as-possible and being in touch with the ‘art’ part of the medicine. In addition, from what I learnt both from my own process and some ‘talks’ with some hundred undergraduate students these last few years, this awareness takes time to develop; and many just wouldn’t get there by themselves and end up practicing what one of my lecturer called “kedokteran pertukangan”. As I have been lucky enough to have mentors who have made me aware of this delicate part of medicine, at those times when I have the chance, to somehow return the favor, I usually try my best to get the students into the realization of this. I do fail at many times, of course, and as I said, it’s a gradual process that takes time so one time talk would hardly suffice.. but it always feels good to somehow feel like I’m the starter. Although maybe I’m just being self-consoling and delusional, I don’t know. And I should probably try to write in shorter sentences, but..


One reason why “FUN” is the best word for describing “dealing with undergraduate students” is because they ask good questions and they don’t give a sh*t. As with most ‘beginners’ who are recently flooded with new knowledge, usually they haven’t yet able to discriminate which persons who are able to answer which questions, so they just ask randomly based on whatever random things they might encounter along the way… and they can be f*cking curious, which is awesome! They could’ve just popped out some questions about genetics or molecular biology stuff nobody in the entire clinical world has ever thought of. They could also ask some very general questions that might require the whole day and night to explain like, “How do we do CBT?” and I have to think pretty hard to give an answer that would fit in a one-or-two-minute speech without giving the impression of “Oh. Just that? Think positively and just that?” no, it’s not just that, it’s more, that’s why you need to be committed to it. Some questions are also related to reasons behind some practical and ‘technical’ things that we –residents- in clinical setting sometimes just reiterate (do I use reiterate correctly?) without fully understand the reason(s) behind it, so it could also be a pretty tough questions, such as, “If we’re inquiring about suicidal thoughts, wouldn’t it give the idea to a patient who might not have the idea in the first place?” To answer that question, I have to ‘stitch’ knowledge about how cognition works, added possibly with the explanation about instinctual drive and that excitation vs inhibition system in the development of the nervous system, and if they’re even more curious, some explanation related to that Fre*d id-ego-superego thing. I could’ve talked all day, but to stitch that to fit a one-or-two-minute time frame, again, it’s a pretty tough challenge! Still, I like taking questions. While it is understandable that random questions might be scary as we might look bad if we couldn’t answer them, I find it more delightful than dreadful when people somehow help me to ‘refresh’ on what I know and what I don’t. In doing clinical work, it can be quite easy to be ‘trapped’ in a pattern of running things the ‘as usual’ way i.e. the way that we know. Trouble is, things are actually ever-changing and if we’re not aware of these changes, it could be dangerous. So yes, it’s nice to have some reminders that I should continuously learn to better fit the nature’s challenge each day :D
So. My typical discussion sessions with undergraduate students (and occasionally with clerkship students who just started their rotation in the department) usually starts with a self-introduction. Other than mentioning my name, this introduction also states my level of competence (e.g. I’m currently on semester *censored* of my education)… and sometimes followed by a little explanation with the stages of the residency. This serves twofold: 1) It helps familiarize the undergraduate students with the educational process of residency; hopefully it might catch some interest in the field as well; 2) It helps them to kind of know what I might be able to answer, and what not. I also state that we’re under the supervision of [insert supervisor’s name here], so suppose some unresolved problem arise during the discussion, they could refer to the supervisor for assistance, or even better, textbooks.
After the introduction, the opening sentence is usually something like, “Okay, today we’re going to talk about [insert topic here]; I believe you have read some or most of the material… So. Any questions about it, please?” It’s Indonesia, and being given that statement, the typical Indonesian students would just look at each other while mumbling, “Apa ya.. nanya apa ya..”  If there are some somewhat-atypical students who are just geared up with questions –and luckily these kind of students more often exist than not- then it’s my lucky day (I DO get lots of lucky days! Isn’t it nice?). They would start asking questions, and soon their friends would start asking questions too, then the discussion can proceed mostly nicely. When it’s not my lucky day, however, I usually continue by asking, “Okay so what have you learnt so far about this topic?” and I start pointing at people to give answers. If still no answer, I add, “There’s no right or wrong answer. I just wanna hear any thoughts, experience, opinions -or questions if you’ve now had one- about this topic.” So far, these steps never fail. Discussions can then proceed, and I can occasionally do my 'scientific blabber' with those students being some “willing ‘victims.’” Everybody’s happy. Haha. I don’t even need to be show-off-y let alone be defensive about some arguments, since I can always say, “I’m not too sure about that, but if you check the texts about [insert the specified topic here], you might find the explanation there. Well let me also check, and we’ll go back to that a bit later, okay?” and I keep my promise of going back to it. They mostly understand that limitation, and many times it stimulates them to self-search the answer, and later when they eagerly wish to tell about what they’ve found, I just need to dig through it and check if we’ve found the same explanation. Many times it was me who had learnt from them, not the opposite, so it’s nice J


I might have further say about this, but let’s just keep it for later; I have some ironing to do. Bye bye for now!

Saturday, 23 April 2016

How choiring affects my shrink-ing

Two perfect words to sum up the answer to the ‘question’ in the title above would be “A LOT”, and even until now, I haven’t stopped being grateful for my involvement in the choral world. As the motto of that one choir I heavily involved with was “we’re more than a choir,” it really was more than a choir. It was an awesome journey of experiential learning, self-discovery, resilience building, and even some healing process took place there..

As I told my brother a few times before, a good school is a good place for building connections, and it was being in this university that gave me these connections through joining the university choir and one other choirthat’s kind of related to the university choir. Other than being a very good social support back then, apparently these also exposed me to people from various backgrounds: ethnicities, study field, hobbies and interests, personalities, relational pattern, talents, dreams, opinions, age, developmental level… Somehow it is this thing that has helped broadening my knowledge and better equipped me with a habit of a more ‘person-based’ than symptom/disorder-based approach when it comes to doing psychiatric assessment. It helped reminding me to continuously seeing people and things (stressor included) within its context, and that one context might not always apply to another context despite the same diagnosis those contexts produce. As I was ‘cursed’ by this anankastic trait, however, sometimes it can be frustrating when I just can’t get a colleague to understand the importance of that context in the diagnosis and therapy-related decision making due to my currently still-occasionally-inadequate communication skill, but… I guess I’m getting better, despite slowly, so hopefully I could continuously help improve the understanding of one’s condition to get him/her better treated :p
It is also these connections that have helped me surviving in my current weather of academic limitations here there and everywhere. I mean… damn, this place doesn’t even have a proper library (I’m still occasionally cursing it, sorry), let alone a serious dream of expanding horizons of knowledge in order to seriously help make this world a better place for the ones in need. It is these connections that help me keep that serious dream by offering a reliable access to some brainstorming partners at times when my head feels like it’s gonna explode, translators when I need help with translating some questionnaires to use in certain research, and valuable information such as scholarship opportunities or free resources for references. It helps keeping my head above the water and preserving my sanity despite those rejections that I occasionally perceive from the people who somehow says they’re trying to ‘stick with the rules’ and ‘protect the tradition’ when they just don’t like my idea, so… for me it means a lot to have these connections.

It was also choiring that has given me a pretty good start to significantly build my communication skill and resilience. With reasons I couldn’t really understand, at times of doing event organizer work in the choir, I was mostly dealing with public relation and/or paper/document work. Being in the public relation division means I was ‘trained’ to get used to that endless texting of writing announcements and responding to people who replied to those announcements. I was also trained to get used to getting a response rate of 10% or less (and not taking it personally), being the person who got snapped at when something went wrong although it didn’t always have to be my mistake, and still speaking calmly with an alto range despite having a significant amount of anger after being (somewhat continuously) snapped at. In addition, doing document/paper work trained me to tolerate that notorious pain-in-the-ass part when dealing with bureaucracy, and how persistence and determination (added with a little sweet adorable kiss-ass-like polite smile) would mostly help to get what I’m aiming at. I also learned to filter which information to share to which party and with which media or which timing I should deliver that information. And of course, I learned to make elaborate plan that enabled most things to be taken care of properly… and somehow it has helped me to better spot those “gaps” when someone is trying to blurt out an elaborate lie right in front of my face. Again, as I’m a slow learner, however, even until now, I still make sooooo much mistake regularly, but I guess I gradually make less mistakes each time, so it’s been nice J

Being in a choir also means that I was used to listening to many voices at once, quickly sorting the beneficial from the non-beneficial ones, and acting upon it accordingly be it in the form of adjusting my own voice (and gestures!) to it, or ‘confronting’ it. While this ‘skill’ doesn’t really have a solid basis and seems to mostly rely on ‘gut instinct’ (I’m not sure if I’ve used this term correctly), I found that it is somehow train-able. I mean, after doing some shots of psychodynamic-based psychotherapy and/or talks, I somehow realized that with more textbook reading and more listening practice, my interpretation of things gets more accurate as time goes by, and I arrive to the ‘goal’ quicker than I was before! Somehow better listening equals better questioning; and with the better-formulated questions, you get better answers. You save time, and you frustrate yourself less. It's just cool.


I guess that’s pretty much it. Each shrink would develop different styles of practice derived from their own various backgrounds, and that’s just okay.  It could even be awesome since each person (ie shrink) might affect another person (ie patients/clients/colleague) in his/her own different way. That being said, I guess this might make psychiatry an ever-developing field of science, so… isn’t it just amazing to be within this delicate network of virtually limitless potential developments? For me, it is, and so I’m grateful. Well, not every single day, I have my bad days too, but.. I guess I’m mostly grateful. It’s been a super cool ride :D

Friday, 1 April 2016

Curhat konslet mbak-mbak galau tesis

Seperti kebanyakan orang, ada kalanya saya kesal saat tidak ada formula generik yang bersifat one-for-all: satu intervensi yang bisa digunakan untuk berbagai konteks. Dengan keadaan yang seperti itu, kadang saya jadi harus memilih dan.. memilih itu bukan sesuatu yang mudah, bahkan jika memilih itu adalah suatu hak dan digratiskan. Ada konsekuensi dari setiap pilihan, dan hal itu yang kadang saya –dan mungkin kita semua- tidak selalu bisa antisipasi. Sebagai manusia anankastik (sudah insaf, tapi kadang masih kumat-kumatan), saya cenderung akan membuat puluhan mental scenario sebelum akhirnya bisa sampai pada keputusan tertentu, dan proses ini bisa sangat sangat sangat melelahkan. Saya masih beruntung karena kadang karakteristik klaster B saya (misalnya ‘impulsivitas’ dan ‘novelty seeking’) pada saat-saat tertentu masih bisa mengambil alih dan menghentikan keraguan tipikal anankastik saya dengan semacam.. just fucking jump in, bitch! What’s the worst that could happen? Even if the worst did happen, as long as you’re still alive to fix it, then you’d just need to fix it. Semacam itu.

Saya kadang juga bingung dan merasa kekurangan support system saat melihat bahwa orang-orang di sekitar saya sibuk hidup untuk.. hidup aja gitu. Meski saya sudah merelakan kepergian sebagian besar grandiosity masa muda saya untuk menyelamatkan dunia dan umat manusia, saya masih ingin punya kontribusi, setidaknya untuk kehidupan di sekitar saya. Bukan karena saya akan menyelamatkan dunia, atau bahkan mereka yang lingkupnya lebih kecil, tapi lebih karena.. saya merasa bahwa lingkungan ini sudah ‘bermurah hati’ menumbuhkan dan mengakomodasi jejaring aksonal dan dendritik di otak saya hingga berwujud seperti sekarang.. and it just feels weird for not contributing anything in return.

Saya lahir di keluarga pendidik, bukan praktisi. Tiga dari empat kakek/nenek saya adalah guru. Bapak ibu saya dokter gigi yang tidak pernah praktik dan lebih banyak menghabiskan waktu untuk mengurus pengajaran dan mengurus lab tempat mahasiswa belajar penelitian. Cara yang saya tahu –dan mungkin secara genetik memang sudah ‘nancep’- untuk berkontribusi pada sekitar saya adalah melalui pendidikan. Semakin lama karir (cieh kariiiiirrr) saya berjalan, semakin saya merasa bahwa pendidikan inilah ujung pangkal hal-hal yang saya lakukan. Sepertinya saya memilih bidang yang sekarang pun salah satunya adalah karena bidang inilah yang aktivitas edukasinya relatif paling banyak dibanding bidang klinis lainnya. Saya cenderung ingin melakukan pendidikan dalam konteks klinis karena.. menurut saya bidang klinis itu penting. Pada latar klinis  kita relatif lebih intens mempelajari apa yang terjadi di tubuh kita, dan.. really work something on it; dan hal itu penting karena antara lain karena saya cukup yakin bahwa proses edukasi yang dapat terjadi secara maksimal adalah saat seseorang itu sehat. Mungkin saya juga agak ke-Maslow-Maslow-an yang beraliran humanistik, sehingga saya percaya bahwa  setiap individu adalah unik. Dibandingkan latar-latar lainnya, latar klinis dan tradisi case report-nya adalah latar di mana tiap individu (i.e. pasien) bisa diapresiasi sebagai.. dirinya sendiri. Bukan sebagai representasi kelas tertentu, bukan juga sebagai ‘data’, tapi sebagai one distinct entity.

Terus ini sebenarnya mau ngomong apa? Wkwkwk
(Catatan: Berhenti di sini kalau Anda sudah pingin muntah-muntah. Ini baru sepertiga jalan. Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you)

Jadi sebenarnya begini. Sebagaimana mahasiswa setara S2 lainnya, despite segala kekonsletan intermittent di otak saya, tidaklah hal itu membuat saya terlepas dari kodrat untuk galau tesis. Tentu saja yang namanya tesis itu ada pembimbing, dan biasanya memang pembimbing inilah yang akan mengintervensi hingga galau yang awalnya sebatas galau-tingkat-rakyat-jelata bisa berubah menjadi galau-tingkat-dewa-berlatarkan-super-massive-black-hooooooollleee (masnya yang bilang gitu; kalau nggak setuju, protes sana sama masnya), sehingga akhirnya saat tesis selesai, mungkin rasanya akan seperti baru melahirkan bayi kembar 10 dan semuanya hidup dan selamat sehat sentosa. Lega dan grateful banget gitu. Nah tapiiiiiiii saya juga sadar bahwa (para calon) pembimbing saya adalah manusia yang berhak untuk bahagia, dan salah satu cara yang setahu saya cukup efektif untuk bahagia adalah saat seseorang tidak bersinggungan dengan otak saya yang konslet-konsletan atau produknya. Saat saya sudah  membuat keputusan saja, saya masih sering labil dan mendadak ingin mengubah ini itu karena menemukan sesuatu yang menarik yang mungkin bisa relevan digunakan…. Apalagi saat saya masih pretty much indecisive, seperti sekarang ini.

Kemarin saya memberanikan diri mengecek profil linkedin, dan apa yang saya tulis di deskripsi sekitar dua tahun lalu itu.. memang bener banget: bahwa orientasi saya adalah ke promotif/preventif, bukan kuratif… and it’s just like a delusion: I believe it so much I don’t wish to change no matter what, and that’s because that particular part is indeed what I might be best at, and I just love it. Sayangnya, saya mungkin sedang berada pada titik di mana saya merasa… cinta saya agak tidak terbalas.. *uhuk

Ada tiga topik besar terkait edukasi ini yang saya harap bisa di-tesis-kan. Iya, TIGA. Saya sering dengar teman saya bilang, “Duh bingung, nggak ada ide buat tesis nih.” Kadang hal itu membuat saya berpikir, enak ya ga ada ide, tinggal nurut dosennya aja. Mungkin kalau pikiran saya sekali waktu bebas ide-ide ini itu, setiap hari saya akan bisa tidur dengan tenang, hidup dengan tenang, dan lebih fokus untuk upaya pindah ke Swedia biar bisa ngelamar kerja jadi anggota artist management-nya The Real Group XD

Anyway. Ada tiga; mungkin dua sih yang saat ini, karena topik yang satu (psikoterapi) sepertinya lebih bermanfaat buat refining my personal skill as a practitioner, tapi dengan kapasitas profesional dan konteks praktik saya sekarang, mungkin belum efektif kalau hal ini yang di-tesis-kan. Well. Although I’d probably love to work on it further in the long run, karena.. apa ya.. intervensi berupa psikoterapi itu less stigmatized, jadi mungkin intervensi ini akan membuat mental health care lebih accessible bagi lingkungan yang highly stigmatizing seperti lingkungan saya sekarang (yes, it effin’ correlates withthe paternalistic culture thingy, and yes I did both research and literaturereview on that despite not being properly published). Pada titik ini saya masih ingin ikut semacam brevet (katanya ada yang dua tahun atau empat tahun) atau one-year-fellowship untuk psikoterapi dan/atau (hopefully) riset tentang psikoterapi, karena… ya pada prinsipnya ilmu tidak bisa berkembang kalau tidak ada riset; dan ‘perubahan’ praktik ilmu tertentu yang dilakukan begitu saja tanpa riset bisa jadi malah katastrofik dan menjauhkan ilmu itu dari tujuan awalnya: to make the world a better place
Ya tapi nggak tahu. Saya mikir juga, kalaupun saya punya ilmu psikoterapi ini tapi ilmu ini tidak immediately applicable di tempat saya bekerja, kurang bagus juga. Ibarat pisau, ilmu yang jarang terpakai ujung-ujungnya juga bisa karatan dan akhirnya malah berakhir di tempat sampah. Sudah cukup lah hati saya yang rusak berkeping-keping aja yang masuk tempat sampah, ilmu dan skill mudah-mudahan nggak gitu-gitu banget lah ya nasibnya... *hoeeekkk

Oke. Tinggal dua. Atau mungkin, MASIH DUA. Topik pertama adalah ME. Selama sekian bulan (atau tahun?) terakhir ini, saya sebenarnya semacam percaya bahwa dengan terlibat di topik inilah saya akan bisa berkontribusi, tapi… entahlah. Pendidikan S1 yang sepertinya membentuk mindset saya adalah tipikal pendidikan di mana saya melihat dan merasakan kesetaraan antara klinis/non klinis dan bahkan supporting system, apresiasi terhadap keragaman dan kreativitas, dan prioritas yang cukup tinggi untuk ‘struktur’ karena struktur itu memungkinkan terjadinya reproducibility hal-hal yang baik dan penyingkiran selektif hal-hal yang memang tidak perlu. Setelah saya pindah ke lingkungan lainnya, I FUCKING CRAVE THOSE THIIIIIIIIIINGGGGSSS AND I JUST CAN’T LET IT GOOOOOO gyahahahahahahahahahahaha. 

Ya tapi gitu, reality bites. Nggak pa-pa sih, karena pada setiap ‘gigitan’ ada tantangan yang mendorong saya untuk keluar dari zona aman dan terus belajar agar kapasitas yang saya punya juga bisa lebih applicable di berbagai setting, sehingga benefit coverage-nya lebih luas. Ya tapi gitu juga, di lingkungan yang sometimes makes me feel like dealing with orgen tunggal ini, pada titik-titik tertentu struktur cenderung ditekankan dengan kaku, dan pada titik-titik lainnya orang akan bilang, “Screw structure. I’m doing it my way, and ku tak mau seorangpun merayu, tidak jugakau!” (Yes, I read Chairil Anwar, thanks to AADC). Pada situasi dengan pola yang tidak bisa diprediksi seperti ini, sisi klaster C saya cenderung lebih berkuasa dibanding si klaster B karena.. cenderung lebih hemat energi kalau klaster C-nya yang maju. Efek sampingnya tentu saja saya jadi apatis dan semacam hilang minat untuk berkontribusi pada lingkungan saya secara umum. Akhirnya saya juga jadi lumayan hilang minat juga sama topik ini. Yah. Semoga tidak kebablasan, dan masih bisa dijumpai lagi di kesempatan yang akan datang.

Topik kedua adalah tentang intervensi berbasis sekolah yang ngerjainnya ya.. di sekolah. Di komunitas. I like field work. I like having encounters with people who have highly varied thoughts of how mental health care goes… sometimes those thoughts are just funky. Added with those people being teenagers, the funky-ness is just endless. Teenagers are awesome, so sometimes it can also be quite heart-breaking when they just don’t seem to know that. Yang mungkin akan berat bagi saya adalah karena kalau saya memilih topik ini, ini artinya saya totaaaalll berubah haluan dari orientasi sebelumnya ke ME. Sekian bulan (atau tahun?) yang sudah saya habiskan dalam keadaan jomblo gara-gara harus googling ini itu, menggalau, bikin oret-oretan, baca dan nanya sana-sini.. itu semuanya harus saya relakan ‘terbuang’, dan… saya harus mulai pitchin’ ideas dari awal lagi. Berantakin kamar dan nggembel kaya orang gila lagi. Begadang lagi cari referensi. Nanya sana-sini lagi, baca lagi, bikin daftar-daftar dan skema-skema lagi. Tapi… nggak pa-pa juga, malah kerja saya secara jangka panjang jadi lebih fokus. Cara ini juga yang paling mungkin mendekatkan saya dengan #LivingInEurope dan/atau cita-cita untuk bisa meng-highlight nama saya di bagian depan naskah ICD 12 atau DSM 6 sebagai tukang ketik untuk mana aja yang nanti nongol duluan, dan sebagai anggota junior untuk working group apaaaa gitu untuk yang nongol belakangan; trus nanti diskrinsot terus diposting di fesbuk. Nanti di edisi selanjutnya lah saya jadi anggota working group yang sejajar sama yang lain, jadi koordinatornya atau presiden W*A sekalian kalau perlu. Wkwkwk

Ya gitu. Intinya kalau sekian minggu ke depan saya tampak semakin konslet-konsletan dan nggilani, itu karena saya sedang berproses dari awal lagi. Bedanya sama proses yang dulu-dulu, kali ini mungkin saya tidak lagi menerima rekomendasi topik, karena… I think I know what I want. This is what I want, I want it enough, and I’m doing it. Quite likely other things would just follow. Ya paling enggak buat tesis lah. Lain-lain dipikir nanti (including intervensi anti jomblo).

Huuufft. *big exhale


Entahlah. Mungkin saya cuma kurang makan sayur/buah dan ‘sakau’ gara-gara kurang nyanyi. Hidup macam apa cobak kaya gitu itu..